Friday, August 23, 2013


“Are you okay? Was it a bad dream?”

“I am tired of my dreams”.

“What was it?”

“I was swimming underwater and when I wanted to swim back to the surface it felt so endless that I just gave up”

“Hmm…”

“I think I am going to write an angry email to him and get myself fired”

“Don’t do it”

“Why shouldn’t I?”

“Then you’ll never get it sent out”

“I don’t care anymore. He can take my name out and the stuff I did out. Or we could take his name out and send it somewhere else.  Do you want to listen to some grumpy music? The dirty-three?”

“Yes.”

I looked at him sleep. He looked sad, disturbed. The few strands of grey hair among the blonde ones stared back at me. I felt helpless for him. I knew this wasn’t yet love, I knew this wasn’t even passion, I didn’t know what my feelings were for him. I thought the quiet sadness he felt was something I couldn’t touch with mere twenty-five years of living. I had to live longer to learn how it feels.
I do not know when I finally fell asleep. I did not remember my dreams and I hardly ever do these days; I wake up every morning with the same kind of emptiness and look back at my life and it looks like a terrible disaster. I stare aimlessly at the ceiling sometimes and sometimes at his ring, thinking of time that is passing us, Seattle, and the two weekends that are left with each other. I do not know what will survive of us. Also anyways, I do not know what exists between us. I try to search for something in the darkness that there is inside me and I think of someone else I once really loved and was loved by. My heart breaks.

I then go take a shower, brush my teeth, catch Tram O to work and try in vain a little bit to fix my life.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Well, life is (only) different if you are witty and pretty and can laugh easily.

*sigh*

Seattle


You know how Seattle makes me feel.
I told you on one of our nights
When we were sad listening to the oud
in The Astounding Eyes of Rita

Seattle wrangles my heart.

And as time goes by
My darkness for Seattle grows
Like a whisper loudening quietly,
And I feel so terrified at my capacities
Of holding helplessness in my bones
I may explode one day and show you
my rickety skeleton.

V for Love

Time is passing too quickly. I haven't realised this until now. Suddenly a year is over and I am packing my bags again and shifting continents again.
Vienna has been a wonderful experience. So much of love, music, friends, thrills, experiences, melancholia, happiness. I feel rich at heart and full.

Virginia it is, now, and I am excited. New experiences, new places to travel, new books and films and new people and new beginnings.

V... my letter of love... 

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

I don't know so much about this feeling. This feels stranger than I thought it would feel when I was younger and more melodramatic. I am still young and melodramatic. But it feels different when it's really happening and when it's happening outside poetry.

Because loving is short, forgetting is long, maybe? 

I guess one rather loved and lost than never loved. So it's okay. And this will pass like many things.

Moreover, I am not too sure if it is love. It's wanting, and if it's only wanting, well, wanting goes away.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Weekend

"You need to have a woman's heart to feel this",
I think. Then I stare aimlessly. At the
acrylics on the ceiling. The tree, the little bird.
I memorize the little things, I know
I will run them over slowly all week
25 frames from a second

Then you want me to read to you Bukowski
as you cuddle up with another woman
(on the same bed we almost made love in)
and while I read to you,
Something asks me from my darkness,
"Could this be love?"

I put these questions off, one by one,
Because I do not have any right to love you
and I have broken too many hearts also
For a right to be heartbroken.

The nights slowly melt into mornings
And weekends become Mondays

And until next weekend
I know I will fidget

With thoughts about your ring
And look for you in the cafeteria,
In the fly room,
In corners, in corridors,
On labels in boxes,
But not at your desk.

I spin the chair suddenly
to feel a little bit alive
I think about that one story you said
And that drawing you made one day,
And how time is running out,
And I talk to myself,
Smoke in the terrace,
Watch a dead fly at 18 degrees.

You need to go back thirteen years
To understand this poem.

Monday, August 05, 2013

Uff ki jhamela. Aar bhalo lagchhe na. Bari jete ichhe korchhe. 
When things come crashing down and you donot know what to do! I wonder, how many times it happens to me and has happened to me. I am just too tired to react.
Everything's so unpredictable I donot know what to expect next moment.

Sunday, August 04, 2013


Happy birthday, Tuktuki! :-)
A little ahead of the exact hour, but then I have always been a little forward in speaking out loud and clear. Have a merry, merry birthday, babu!

I was listening to a murmur of voices, in the queue at the grocery store, literally, to figure out the inexplicable vitality—that 'something out of nothing'— which could be a simple wave of our collective wishes. Instead, I heard a harmony of different notes, in different scales. It was probably the closest approximation to living a full life, living it amid the garbage heap, living it amid the flowers. 
The sharp and ragged edges of survival blunts after a while, Rai. Then begins the deep emotional journey towards the shadow of a long longed dream—a spot of pink glow on the tip of someone's nose, in my case. 
I hope to hear the tambourine-man play his last song for me. I wish you could hear him play, too. Perhaps, he'll play his flute for you in some jingle-jangle morning. Call me then, if you would, to share the moment with a cup of coffee, even in the middle of ancient empty streets too dead for dreaming.

We both have been living a "phantastic" life, naa?

awnek aador. bawro hoye oth. aaro.

Minko-da

I have lovely people in my life at 25. Pretty amazing.

I am happy. I had a quiet peaceful birthday with things I love to do. Watched a movie, played with piggy, wore a new dress, walked and talked a lot, had good wine, a good conversation.

Small wonderful things :)

Friday, August 02, 2013

So said a favourite friend. Once.


Have some faith in yourself. What's much more important than this presentation is whether you have faith in yourself.
5:46 PM If you have that, you can deal with anything negative that comes out of tomorrow.
  If you don't, a good presentation tomorrow can only see you through till the next such situation when you'll break down again.
5:47 PM this stuff will keep happening by the truckload. but where will you be if your confidence ditches you every time?
5:48 PM forget about tomorrow. think about yourself for just a minute. you've been doing this for years. stop it, relax. nobody cares. you'll just go up there and do it, and be honest.
  that's all i can say now. Good luck Rai.

I bumped into this, looking for an address in my inbox. I post this because I fear I may lose this piece of memory.