"Us"

I miss you sometimes with an unbearable heaviness, sometimes with a strange gentle sadness, sometimes fondly, sometimes dreamily. Some other times I just remember you, your subtlest idiosyncrasies, us and the library lawn. At other times, I am flooded by small pieces of memory, like the way you formed a plane with your hand and said "whoosh!"; or  your face when you fell asleep on the bench of the library lawn; the dimple on your cheek when you smiled the last time we said goodbye.

And then I have the picture of you in my wallet, I know it is still there, the one in which you think you look like a perfect Bollywood blockbuster hero, and I haven't dared to open my wallet since we broke up.

I remember walking with you. I remember children's park, the forest next to VC's rock, the rock at peacock lake, the Goodwill canteen, the post office, J hostel, the back gate, Lav's place, bike rides, InOrbit, Dominos, Mc Donalds and always the thought of these places floods my heart with a longing for your warm embrace, crying in your arms, saying "I don't knnnnowww!"

I have dreams about you; your eyes always look sad. I donot remember the dreams often other than the sadness in your eyes, the heaviness in the few words you say. I dream of loving you, being loved by you again.

I long for laughing with you at our silly jokes, hearing your deep voice, walking by peacock lake, holding your hand, kissing your forehead. I long for going to and fro the passport office and the secreteriat again and again with you in the MMTS trains, watching the shadows of the grilled-windows make squares on your face when you are asleep. I remember the days when you couldn't accompany me, how I looked at the seat opposite mine in the train, missing the sight of you reading the newspaper.

I hope you make it to Sports Star, I will buy them for your by-lines, to feel your name with my fingers, to nurture old days of "us". I donot know if you will forgive me ever in your life, though. I donot ask for forgiveness, this is just a confession, whether you believe this or not, I have never belonged to anybody in my life like the way I belonged to you.