How-to

What do you do when you know anything can happen the next day? How do you sleep in those nights? How do you go to bed knowing that you will have predictable nightmares, nightmares you have no control over, nightmares that do not even wake you up in the middle of the night anymore, and run their course until you wake up next morning exhausted, more exhausted then you were when you went to bed? How do you settle into this reality, that feels like a trance, a dream, you want to wake up from but cannot?

Well, you start with brushing your teeth every night.
You then take out and wash your contact lenses. Take a spray in the inhaler. Tuck yourself in bed, and hold on to something that doesn't speak. Like a stuffed toy or a pillow, in a tight, locking hug. You do not want to hear that everything will be alright - because hardly anything will be alright. You honestly do not want anyone to take care of you. But, maybe, that sheer act of holding something tight and close to you gives you something to do at least, churns up some hormones in your brain maybe, to make you feel that you can finally, finally sleep after a 16 hours shift that you deliberately put yourself through, to pretend everything was okay.