The postdoc starts on March 1. I came down to New York to write a proposal and spend the holidays. Well, it was not as planned as it sounded in the last sentence. Technically, I was supposed to be in New York for 3 days around Christmas. And then go to meet M, wherever he is. But the proposal-writing, about which I don't want to go into details, stretched to about 3 weeks. After many back and forths, and 76 capuccinos, and doubts about my abilities, and periodically feeling the need to give up, and wondering why I had to join the lab of a Nobel Laureate, and thinking how embarrassing it would be when he finds out how lame and dumb my ideas are, I finally submitted 2 pages of monstrosity. This experience was really unpleasant. I was convinced to give up many times, but finally pushed it out. It almost felt like giving birth to a baby. Because this is what I heard my inner being shout at me time to time -
You cannot give up now even if you want to! You have to keep pushing! Just keep pushing! And keep breathing!
Anyways it is done. I couldn't have done it without M. He is a true gem in my life. He went through pages after pages of garbage written by me and fixed stuff. He spent hours and hours on the telephone (which, by the way is broken, and distorts every word I speak), giving me advise and keeping my morale up.
Anyways, the real plan was to spend 3 days in New York and then meet M over the break. Let's go back to that. That did not happen. He was depressed and wanted to rather be with his mum in Boston. Well, yes we spoke and he helped me with the proposal a lot, but the heartbreaking truth remains that he did not want to see me (or anyone, as he said). He wanted to be left alone - something that I think he preferred to be done to him by his mum
. I tried to convince him how good I was at leaving people alone, ignoring them, denying their existence, and he should give me a chance to leave him alone, but, nope, did not work. So, I can add that to my list of all the things I cannot do well. Leave people alone. I thought this was one of my greatest talents - to leave people alone - but I stand corrected.
I spent 3 weeks with a friend from University whom I like a lot. But he said he wanted more than like from me. So it went all very awkward but I told him no, and I was pleasantly surprised how quickly he recovered. I like adults.
Other than that, I saw
Stephen King in a Barnes and Noble. I bought a book by Murakami (Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World), and a book by Bukowski (What Matters Most is How Well You Walk Through the Fire). I watched a lot of improv shows (including 'the Stepfathers'), and performed with 10 strangers at UCB East - in one of their improv jam sessions. I met a 60-year old woman who said I was 'symmetric' (pretty). I met a young girl from Orlando who was traveling to New York alone and who bought me a ticket to an improv show because I had no money. Umm, that's not true, it was cash-only, and I had a credit card and the wrong currencies in my wallet (euros and rupees).
I just got another ticket to a Harold show now. I am in a coffee shop next to the theater. And I feel lonesome. So, why not. I thing as long as there is improv in my life, I might not have to go to therapy.
