Life after M

Tuesday, Dec 17: Second day of life after M. This breakup is final. The relationship was dying. It was in palliative care. Now it is dead. I have to let go. Instead, I have stopped eating. I have started smoking. I stare at nothingness in the middle of conversations. I might get fired if I cannot pull myself together. But I do not care. Nothing matters. I am grieving. The man I knew and loved is dead. The man who has now emerged from his corpse is somebody else. He has lied to me repeatedly, he has been living with someone else, he is going to have a baby in January. He kept me in the dark about each of those things for long periods of time. I still love him. I still cannot let go. I still have an image of us walking down a leaf-scattered road in fall, with lightness in our hearts and love. At a time when we understood everything without talking because souls didn't speak the language of words.

Dog on a leash

Everything is lost. It feels like that. Like I have been through hell and still carry a part of hell inside of me. I cannot let go. My head and gut want to let go - but my heart is like a dog on a leash that I cannot control.

I am going crazy. I am not sure if I will survive.

You had died before I knew you had died.

I was still living with the Absence of you.

The Absence of you, so palpable, like a presence, laid cuddled into me every night as my eyes closed.

You had died and I had not known.

I was cooking and eating and putting clothes in the dryer with a tune in my soul.